11-17-2023:
Lately I've been dreaming so hard that it hurts? Not an unfamiliar feeling to most. Second-guessing and yearning. Wishing. But, what's the use in any of that nonsense? I wouldn't stand a snowballs chance in hell if I attempted to fulfill any of my wishes. At least, that's how it's been lately. There is a price to pay for satisfaction and I just don't have enough energy to give. I've been trying for a couple months. Trying and failing, for long bouts. Yet I do it again and again as if something is going to change. I'll read for weeks, fiction and philosophy, history and music. Then I'll yearn for more and have a hard time dealing with it so I drink by myself in an upsetting manner for three days straight. I realize my self-pity is super unhealthy and feel disgusted with myself; So I party for a couple weeks straight, drink myself silly, maybe find some random people to flirt with. Maybe get into a relationship. Realize I don't like being in the relationship that was based on impulse and isolation from both parties, and be upset for a while. Be upset. Mad at myself. Watching the same thing happen again, it really does just repeat itself. I always think it's different every time. I mean, of course I never regret impacting the persons life the way that I did. I never regret good connections, I just regret that I can't see myself with the person in the future because my goddamn dreams make me want more and yearn all over again. The relationship usually slowly destroys itself. I'm probably a self-fulfilling prophesy, but is it such a bad thing to realize that something isn't what you wanted but only what you needed at the time? It sounds disgusting but isn't that what people always say in retrospect, that the relationship wasn't meant to last but they didn't regret it and they both needed it at the time. Whatever. Whatever I'll wallow. I'll dream of petrichor and get something adjacent. Something lesser than. I always wish I was taciturn and vexatious but I need connection too much. I want to make people happy and I want them to like me so goddamn much. It's so annoying. Actually, it's pissing me off how much I need human connections. I get them, yeah, it isn't a lack of it that makes me want it, it's human nature for me to want it. I just get pissy cause it takes so much goddamn effort. I've heard it's an ENTP thing to hate people and hate being around them but need them so bad to the point of desperation. I need it to live. I like the idea of two people who are so awful that they are the only two who can stand each other and they're the only two people who can make eachother feel something, but that's just cause I like the idea of a toxic relationship even though I never do that shit in practice. It's why I'd be fine getting locked up in a basement by someone I like or something. If they were the only thing that made me feel... anything? And then they limited my access to anything stimulating other than them. It would be insane and toxic and inhumane, but I'd probably love it. Especially if they fed me well and gave me access to pencils or pens with notebooks and sketchbooks. But... the more that I think about it the more it makes sense, and the more I'm reminded that this is a well-loved fantasy by those who have indulged in romance fantasy or, hell, even fanfics. Take away my agency, but only to care for every need I have and let me worry no longer. People don't want to work. People don't want to be faced with choices in their everyday life. Neither do I. This is why people daydream about owning their own cottage in the woods where food magically is available to hunt and forage for, or maybe they tend to a garden and livestock and never be faced with taxes or illness or the mundane anxieties people face such as getting rent in on time or buying groceries for the week. Even with freedoms away from those things I think I would be unhappy. Wouldn't most people be unhappy? C'mon. No outside stimulation? Nothing new? No new content to engage in or even just to let drone on and on as you try to escape your mind? What the fuck are you left with? Your own debilitating thoughts? Who the fuck wants that? Whatever I'm probably just rambling on about things that people already know. "I wish I was rich, I wish I was in love, I wish I was happy." Yeah. Of course I do. Everybody does. Why am I dwelling so hard on it? Oh, hell. It's cause I've been alone lately, isn't it. That's so fucking stupid I need to start going to classes again and meeting new people.